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here i am

Most of our decision, we make because it was the best at that time. However we weight the options available to us, however we try to come up with the best route, however we manage our expectations, in the end we find ourselves a failure.

It’s not easy leaving the life you built and start anew somewhere else. Uprooting and planting your feet on foreign soil is never a breeze. The promise of a better life and brighter tomorrow may seem enough; may seem the right thing to do. It’s painful to find out at the end of it all that it may not be worth all the hardships.

I moved here half-heartedly. My mind was made up, it was sensible, it was logical. But sense and logic won’t give you friends, won’t give you family, won’t give you joy at the end of the day as you lie in your bed trying to think of your day’s high.

I’ve accomplished all that I have planned for. I have brought my family. But I lost friends along the way. I have missed events. I have been forgotten. I still keep asking myself, is it worth it? My answer remains – no.

I’d like to think I have no regrets but I do. I’d like to think I will be fine but I won’t. I’d like to think I can go back but I can’t.

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lost then found

That feeling when you thought you lost something really important. The emptiness you feel inside you that you just can’t brush off. You repeatedly tell yourself that things happen for a reason and there must be a reason for this too. No luck, there’s that void.

Years passed. You have moved on. Life is better and back on track.

You open the front door and find it. Or should I say, it found you – again. You are numb though your brain is telling you ‘jump for joy’. You’re paralyzed, unable to neither talk nor breathe.

It sinks in. There was a reason when you lost it. Because you thought you need it but don’t. Because you’re fine without it when you thought you were incomplete. Simply because it does no matter.

It is you

Where do inspirations come from? Most people believe that music inspire them or a really good book, a moving poem or maybe a movie that they can totally relate to. But did it ever occur to you that inspiration is innate to every person? These mediums that we believe to stir that feeling of being able to do things and the urge to craft something artistic, creative and original are merely heightened moments of that inspiration. Remember the last time that you listened to a heartfelt ballad song that reminded you of a painful heart break when you were younger. I once asked myself if I listen to sad music because I feel sad or was it the other way around. Did I felt alone so I tuned in to a depressing melody?

Inspiration are within us from the beginning because it is actually everything that makes up our being – the people who are important to us, the experiences that we’ve failed and succeeded, the things we regret we ever did or what not. Inspiration is both happy and melancholy, ergo oneself.

As I took the headphones off of my ear after watching this teenage drama series that I decided to watch after missing it when it aired some 5 years ago, inspiration flowed to my veins and brain like river streaming down a rocky vastness. I was suddenly overwhelmed with love.

Love is often taken as inspiration and I couldn’t agree more. Love is oneself and everything that makes up that being. I am deeply inspired by my love and love itself. How would anyone forget that feeling of elation as you first held your love’s hands and put it close to your heart as if the hands could actually hold your heart. I will always treasure in my heart those first couple of years when my love and I are just getting to know each other, what ticks one off, how one can paint a smile on the other’s face and finding out how each other’s past molded that person that we fell in love with.

For as long as those memories remain vivid in your thoughts and is strongly felt and reminisced, the flame and depth of that love will always be fresh, just like those first couple of years that was most exciting. So much so that love is inspiration, so shall your inspiration remain powerful and moving. No one then should ever be afraid to lose that motivation not unless one loses oneself for only then will inspiration be lost.

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Writer's Block: Bless you!

I'm allergic to dust and dirty smoke. Ugh.. I would not stop sneezing for a day if I get exposed and would cause really disturbing runny nose.

window

I feel so alive right now after feeling so dead in the last couple of years. Finally I have found that certain sense of belongingness, want and enthusiasm that gradually left me as the days went by. I reckoned having everything just happen as they do – without any hope of being saved. I imagined myself sitting on that same corner looking back at my life with complete remorse. I almost saw myself putting up with the mediocrity of a career I worked so hard to be part of. I thought of how envy and shame swallow me whole.

And then there was tinge of hope out of chance.  The long wait was over and I couldn’t be more grateful. I was so ready to settle for anything out of desperation and need but God has given me what I deserve – a second chance at life. My heart was pounding incessantly and I was overjoyed with how this possibility could actually turn things around. I was engrossed with the idea that I can be that one person I’ve always dreamed about.

I’m not sure where this would go but I do know that I can’t mess this up.

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Writer's Block: Fairest one of all

I am not too trusting. It takes a long while before I am able to be comfortable with other people. I wouldn't change it for the world because that same skepticism brought me real friends that I treasure for life.

mine

Today I celebrate my love for you.

Call me a sucker for relationship celebration; still, I celebrate the day that we made it official. It isn’t easy finding a person who can put up with all your stubbornness and silliness yet amazingly we found each other. True enough, love happens when you least expect it. It happens where you never thought it would. It happens before you know it. It happens to people whom other people didn’t expect it to. It is magical.

I was going on with my life for seven long years after a short relationship in which I thought to myself was a waste. It was a waste because I regret not having been able to express my love. Now I realized that I am the way I was because I wasn’t really in-love then. That I am yet to find the person to whom all these overflowing love truly belongs.

You took away all my regrets. You replaced it with all hopes of more happiness and smiles. You make me wanna wake up in the morning with a smile. Indeed, you are worth the long wait. I can never tell you how much I love you but I can always show you. I believe I have my lifetime to do that. You remind me everyday how much God loves me, how much I’m blessed and how meaningful love is. It isn’t only about cuddling, holding hands and being taken care of. It’s all about sharing your life with the one who shares their life back. Happy 32nd!

And I will love you so, for always!

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Writer's Block: The kindness of strangers

Definitely ignore them. They can't hurt me unless I let them. Reacting to their insults will only encourage them to make more.

Writer's Block: If I could find my way

I am unsatisfied with where my career is heading right now and I truly believe everything would be totally different had I finished college at the pontifical university. It's a shame really to still be so bitter about it but I often look back in time trying to find out where I took the wrong turn and I always end up there.

Writer's Block: Leading a horse to water

Without a doubt, parents play a huge role in molding their children to become better members of the society. But one cannot omit the fact that the environment also contributes a lot. With that, I strongly believe that no one person should be held liable for the crime of another. No matter how young, everyone is responsible for their own actions.